Who's in FIRST

In honor of my friend Martin McKeay's trip to Kyoto for the annual FIRST conference, I present a variation on Abbot and Costello's Who's on First (Special thanks to the Baseball Almanac for having the original text on line)

Without further ado -

Who's in First

McKeay: Well Costello, I'm going to Kyoto. You know I've been given a job as official podcaster for FIRST for as long as I want it.

Costello: Look McKeay, if you're the podcaster, you must know all the members.

McKeay: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's who.

McKeay: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these security professionals now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

McKeay: Strange names, pet names...like beaker...

Costello: His brother Daffy.

McKeay: what...

Costello: And their Dutch cousin.

McKeay: Dutch?

Costello: Kees.

McKeay: Kees Leune? That his real name. Well, let's see, we have on the board, Who's in first chair, What's in second, I Don't Know is in third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

McKeay: I say Who's in first, What's in second, I Don't Know's in third.

Costello: Are you the podcaster?

McKeay: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the blogger too?

McKeay: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

McKeay: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's in first?

McKeay: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

McKeay: Who.

Costello: The guy in first.

McKeay: Who.

Costello: The first board member.

McKeay: Who.

Costello: The guy leading...

McKeay: Who is in first!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's in first.

McKeay: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

McKeay: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

McKeay: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

McKeay: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta FIRST board member?

McKeay: Certainly.

Costello: Who's leading first?

McKeay: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first board member every month, who gets the money?

McKeay: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first board.

McKeay: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets...

McKeay: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money...

McKeay: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

McKeay: Yes.

PAUSE

McKeay: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first board member, how does he sign his name?

McKeay: Who.

Costello: The guy.

McKeay: Who.

Costello: How does he sign...

McKeay: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

McKeay: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first board.

McKeay: No. What is the second on the board.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's second.

McKeay: Who's in first.

Costello: One board member at a time!

McKeay: Well, don't change the board members around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

McKeay: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first board?

McKeay: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

McKeay: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first boards chair?

McKeay: No. What is in second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's in second.

McKeay: Who's in first.

Costello: I don't know.

McKeay: He's in third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third chair?

McKeay: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is sitting third?

McKeay: No. Who's sitting first.

Costello: What's on first?

McKeay: What's in second.

Costello: I don't know.

McKeay: He's in third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third chair and don't go off it.

McKeay: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's sitting in third chair?

McKeay: Why do you insist on putting Who on third chair?

Costello: What am I putting in third.

McKeay: No. What is in second.

Costello: You don't want who in second?

McKeay: Who is in first.

Costello: I don't know.

McKeay & Costello Together:Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta other board members?

McKeay: Sure.

Costello: The secretary's name?

McKeay: Why.

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

McKeay: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who's the secretary.

McKeay: Who's in first.

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the chair! I want to know what's the guy's name as secretary?

McKeay: No, What is in second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's in second.

McKeay: Who's in first!

Costello: I don't know.

McKeay & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The secretary's name?

McKeay: Why.

Costello: Because!

McKeay: Oh, he's sergent at arms.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta chairman on this boad?

McKeay: Sure.

Costello: The chairman's name?

McKeay: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

McKeay: I'm telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

McKeay: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

McKeay: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's chairman?

McKeay: Now listen. Who is not chairman.

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's in first! I want to know what's the chairman's name?

McKeay: What's in second.

Costello: I don't know.

McKeay & Costello Together: Third chair!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a archivist?

McKeay: Certainly.

Costello: The archivist's name?

McKeay: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's chairman.

McKeay: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the board.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a archivist too.

McKeay: So they tell me.

Costello: I get up to the table to do some fancy archiving, Tomorrow's chairman on my board and a heavy topic comes up. Now the heavy topic comes up, me, being a good archivist, I'm gonna look for input at first chair. So I pick up the topic and open it to who?

McKeay: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

McKeay: That's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to open the topic to first chair.

McKeay: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

McKeay: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I open the topic to first chair, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

McKeay: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

McKeay: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

McKeay: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the topic and I open it to Naturally.

McKeay: No you don't, you open the topic to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

McKeay: That's different.

Costello: That's what I said.

McKeay: You're not saying it...

Costello: I opetn the topic to Naturally.

McKeay: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

McKeay: That's it.

Costello: That's what I said!

McKeay: You ask me.

Costello: I open the topic to who?

McKeay: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

McKeay: You open the topic to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

McKeay: That's it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I open the topic to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and looks to What. What looks to I Don't Know. I Don't Know looks back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another topic comes up and it to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

McKeay: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

McKeay: Oh, that's our treasurer.



Hope you enjoyed
Just as a side note, I am not related Lou Costello.

James